The role of the father in the family upbringing of the child: what part does the father take in the upbringing of his son and daughter
Of course, many mothers are afraid that their too “strong halves" can unwittingly harm the baby with their awkward movements, and therefore they do not trust men much. In fact, the participation of the father in the upbringing of his son and daughter should be felt from the first days of the baby's life.
So what can dad do? What can he be trusted, what to entrust? And why doesn't the father approach the child himself?
In popular ads, dads can roar savages and bash birdhouses. But do we need it in everyday life? Hardly. You can do without birdhouses, but you don't need to roar like savages at all. But what can a dad really do?
Lovely girls, women and ladies! There's a secret if you don't already know it: Dad can do anything, but he can't breastfeed!
Another question is, do we trust dads? Do we let them help us? That's the rub! And there is not only "the dog rummaged." There we also “rummaged” with all our hidden grievances and fears. Women themselves sometimes prevent dads from being actively involved in the process of raising kids. But how? Why? After all, we so want to receive help from men! We want, but we ourselves push men away. How does this happen?
The role of the father in the upbringing of his son and daughter from the moment the child appears in the family
It starts from the very first days of the appearance of the baby in the family. What part should the father take in the upbringing of the child during this period? Here it was brought from the hospital. And he's so tiny! Dad is afraid to take it in his hands. What if you pinch your paws? Mom is also scared, but she already touched the baby in the hospital, nursed him, put him to her chest. All this was under the supervision of professionals, so my mother is already a little bolder.
Even if he and his mother attended the courses of a young father, and they explained all this to him, showed him, he was still creepy. Dad is theoretically savvy. In theory! During the courses, he swaddled a doll, and this is a child – alive, but his own, but long-awaited. Dad is very scared, but he has no right to show it. He's a man! He swaggers, shows that he does not care. But he is even afraid to approach the child! And he needs to be washed… If dad did not attend any courses, then he is even more scared.
And here are two very young parents – young, because their parenting experience is as tiny as their baby – go to the bathroom. Dad leans back a little, but Mom pushes him forward confidently. She needs a man's support so much! In addition, in preparation for childbirth, she was taught that everything should be done together with the father of the child. Together they bend over the children's font, dad makes some awkward movement and hears his wife's critical remark: – What are you? Carefully! Not this way!
All! Dad's enthusiasm, already very frail, melts away. And if the spouse made a few more remarks and jokes to dad, then dad is “blown away” completely and irrevocably.
Women's mistakes are sapper's mistakes. They are almost impossible to fix. A woman explodes on a mine herself and undermines her man, and then it will be almost impossible to attract him to help with the child. He will unconsciously do everything to get five or ten more comments, and in the end, either his wife will not stand it and expel her husband from the children's half, or he himself will swear in his hearts and, offended in the best feelings, will go to his favorite sofa. There is his lair, there he will lie down, as a fighter who has been wounded on the battlefield rests.
If a woman wants her father to help her in the upbringing and development of the child from the first days of the baby's birth, the father should be praised, not condemned or criticized.
The objection of many mothers: why praise him if he really does everything wrong? And this is our, female, cunning. Dad should be praised for his noble impulses, for his desire to help, for his chivalrous intentions to share with his wife all the hardships of raising a baby. And praising, you need to carefully correct, explain what he is doing wrong. It's really very simple, isn't it? Why is this not done in many cases? Yes, because the Woman herself is worried, nervous, in a hurry, afraid to harm the baby. How to help yourself?
It is advisable for young parents to agree “on the shore”, that is, to discuss in advance that there will be mutual accusations, careless words spoken hotly. Turn it into a game! And the game is always played by the rules. Rules must be developed, discussed and consolidated. You can come up with penalties. Let it be a small amount for each violation. Then, even if you make all those mistakes, they will not be “sapper”, that is, fatal. They will simply be working, technical difficulties that will gradually be eliminated in the process.
You can get a funny piggy bank in the form of a pig or a cat. Determine the amount of the penalty depending on your income. It's the principle here! And to be fun. At the end of the week or month, the piggy bank is opened, and the accumulated funds are used for something tasty or fun.
When a man learns to handle a child by doing something with you, he will no longer be afraid to approach the baby. The role of the father in upbringing at this time is gradually increasing. Then he can already be entrusted with tasks for independent work. Any task! Give the baby milk from a bottle, shake the baby to sleep, feed baby food from a jar. But if something is instructed, do not interfere! Let the man do it himself, from beginning to end.
If you want the father to take part in the upbringing, entrusting the man with the task, do not interfere with him to do it! Yes, he will do it longer than you, and in a different way. Yes, after it you will have to wash the floor in the kitchen, because half of the contents of the jar will be on the floor.
If you feel like you can't help it, that you will definitely jump in and start making comments, it's better to leave the house. Go to a neighbor for fifteen minutes if you are afraid to leave the house for a long time. Or run to the store, ventilate. Sometimes you need to leave the house, it is good for the mental health of a young mother. And don't worry about your baby! Dad will be fine. You just need to trust him.
When the child grows up a little, he can be sent somewhere with his dad. Remembering the father's role in raising a child, a man should be given specific tasks, and he will cope with them. Don't worry. Some things he can do even better than we do.
Peculiarities of education: division of responsibilities between father and mother
Of course, both the father and the mother take part in the upbringing of the child. But the peculiarities lie in the fact that the main functions between parents are divided in this way: mom feeds and regrets, dad monitors the observance of order.
This division of duties originated a long time ago: when my mother was exclusively at home, her function was to give birth, feed, pity. Now, of course, everything has changed, and some mothers are much better at socializing their child than dads. Nevertheless, if rules are established in the family, and functions are divided into mothers and fathers, this is a good game. A kind of game of good and bad police: mom can, sparing the child, break the rules, she can sometimes do it, but dad can’t break the rules.
At what age is it time to start explaining the rules? From anyone! A baby is crawling – dad can crawl next to him, show how animals, cars, trains move. Explaining the rules does not mean that you need to take a dictionary of legal terms and smartly read to the kid what is written there. The rules are conveyed both in the form of games and when reading fairy tales. And of course, the main role of the father in the upbringing of children in the family is a personal example. He must explain the rules by his own behavior, this is very important. For example, if a child sees that dad does not read books, then there is nothing to be surprised later that the child, while studying at school, does not open textbooks. From childhood he was not taught to be friends with books. So, dads, set an example for your children and open some book from time to time, at least for educational purposes. Remember the most important mission entrusted to you:
Dad is the very family support that stands guard over the implementation of the rules. Like power structures in the state.
Remembering the role of father and mother in the upbringing of boys and girls, parents are supposed to act in tandem, and in this regard, mom is supposed to maintain father's authority. And mothers don't always succeed! No, no, but mom is swearing that dad has holes in his hands, he always drops something. It is not surprising that then the child will say something like this: “Probably dad broke the cup with his holey little hands.” What then is the authority of the policeman, if he has "leaky little hands"? None! The authority of the guardian of order is not just undermined – it is destroyed.
But how great it is when a mother, tormented with a naughty child, can say: “Now dad will come and punish you.” And it doesn’t matter that dad doesn’t know how to punish. This phrase will act on its own, and the child will stop being naughty.
However, dads also know how to undermine mom's authority. Especially if dads have a sense of humor, which women really appreciate. Often, dad begins to be sarcastic towards mom: “Well, yes, our mother has a mind chamber! Only the mind dispersed in all the chambers and got lost somewhere. The child may not understand all these tricky words, but he will learn the intonation, rest assured. And why be surprised if a child with the same intonation responds to his mother's requests to do something? This is where, it turns out, the "legs" of children's disobedience "grow"!
The kid, hearing the jokes of his parents, learns an important thing for himself: there is no consistency in the ranks of the "ancestors", and therefore, you need to catch the strings that you can pull, and get your own – and there is no doubt: the child very quickly and well calculates these strings for pulling.
But how is it right? How should a mother protect a child, and how should a father be strict, but not harsh?
The participation of the father in the upbringing and development of the child: the distribution of roles
Of course, the role of a father in raising a son and daughter is very important, but what if your man is not a leader by nature? If he has a soft character? If, looking at the touching face of his own child, he softens so that he cannot refuse this face in anything? And he can't even put him to bed on time! Dad is kind, he will forgive everything.
Or another situation: dad does not want to harness himself, does not want to expend energy to comply with strictness. It is easier for him to let the child watch the cartoon for the tenth time, so that only the child does not interfere with dad, does not distract him from his favorite things. Which one is a strict policeman?!
Or, for example, such a situation. Not very common, but it happens, and over time, most likely, it will occur more often: mom works a lot, gets a good salary, and dad stays at home. Or he takes official leave to care for a child, today the legislation allows this. Or he simply quits his job, because his earnings are small, and his wife's earnings more than cover all the costs of the family. What are the features of parenting in this case?
In the modern world, any form of family building is possible. If it's more convenient for a mother to be a bad cop, then so be it. The main thing is that there is an agreement in the family.
Parents need to agree on what roles in the family are distributed in the upbringing of the child between the father and mother.
Sometimes the roles are distributed by themselves, by default, but we still advise them to speak out, to fix them so that there is no confusion in their own brains, so that each family member understands what mission is destined for him.
If dad sits at home, the child sees him every day and every hour, then indeed in such a situation it is difficult for a father to play the role of a “bad cop” when raising a son or daughter. But it is better if, nevertheless, the role of the most strict educator is assigned not to the mother. After all, the family can be interpreted broadly, not only mom and dad, let's not forget about grandparents.
The role of the most strict educator, the very policeman who has the last word, can be entrusted to one of the grandfathers. Let everyone say: Grandpa Vasya will come now. And the child obediently removes toys at the mere mention of grandfather.
Entrust the role of the policeman to a strict grandfather who often visits your house.
A dad who sits with a child or was engaged in raising him after work, but devotes more time to this than fathers usually do, needs to restrain his impulses to spoil the child. And if he wants to do something more, then it is better to do it not by himself, but through authorized persons.
Best of all – through the grandmother. You can not even strain your grandmother, and dad himself, if he wants, buy a toy and hand it over with the words: “Grandma asked me to give it to you.” Yes, and ask the child to call his grandmother and thank her, first, of course, entering into an agreement with the grandmother.
The same goes for strict dads. In no case should they fall out of the image of the guardian of the law, that is, they cannot indulge the child themselves. Not allowed by the state. But if you really want to, then again in this case, your grandmother will come to the rescue.
But if the father certainly wants to demonstrate to the child his generosity and breadth of nature, then he can do it himself, only you need to arrange everything accordingly. It is necessary to give a toy or do something for the baby for something, for his special achievements, because the role of the father in the upbringing and development of the child lies, among other things, in the socialization of the baby. A man brings up in his son or daughter the ability to achieve achievements. The father loves the child with "conditional" love, that is, he sets conditions for the child to prove his right to receive father's love.
If a father wants to pamper a child, it is necessary to emphasize for what achievements the father does this for the child. It is necessary to reward not for future achievements, but for accomplished ones.
Future success is a phantom, no one knows yet whether the child will be able to achieve them, and dad has already rewarded his child. And the child did not comply! Pulling a tasty treat out of a baby's stomach? Is it really absurd? But this is exactly what parents sometimes do: they reward something in advance, and when the advances fail, they begin to nag the child. And what to drink it? It's not his fault that the task was too much for him. Parents should be punished in such cases – think, my dear, before tearing promises out of a child.
But what if dad also likes to fool around? Let's say he also likes chips and wants to eat them with his child. How to break the rule and not drop your authority? It is especially difficult for good dads. They are so kind that they see nothing wrong with the fact that the child swallowed an extra bag of chips or watched another cartoon. No, good dads, let's also be a little stricter. Can you imagine a policeman crossing the street in the wrong place? He sets a bad example, and how will the townspeople follow the rules after that? True, if a police car turns on flashing beacons, then it can break the rules. Then she can. So, dad also needs to come up with some kind of flashing beacons. What in life can flashing beacons mean?
For example, to announce a big holiday. Let's say it's a birthday. It is once a year, and then you can eat cake, and chips, and fizzy sweet Pepsi-Cola. But warn your child: if your stomach hurts, be patient! On holiday, dad can eat chips with the baby until the stomach cracks. And you can watch cartoons all day long. But that's only one day a year! Well, okay, twice a year: even on New Year's, when the child can stay up after the program "Good night, kids!". But only twice! If this violation of the rules happens often, then these are no longer rules, but chaos, and it will be difficult for a child to organize himself in this chaos.
It is very difficult for good dads to solve the issue of punishments. They don't know how to punish. They know that it is impossible to "beat" a child with a belt, that it is not the best way to punish – to put in a corner. They themselves stood, remembering that nothing good came of it. They do not know how to growl with a menacing voice. And how to punish a naughty kid? Sometimes children really need to be punished.
Mindful of his role in the upbringing of a boy or girl, the father should look for democratic methods of punishment, without putting the child in a corner and without threatening with a belt. These methods degrade human dignity.
The most effective, in my opinion, punishment is the deprivation of something very important and valuable. For example, if a father reads a fairy tale to a child in the evenings and the child likes it very much, then his mother’s words will be the worst punishment for him: “If you don’t take away the toys, dad won’t read a fairy tale to you.” Dad himself can pronounce these words approximately according to the following formula: “Baby, it is very unpleasant for me to tell you this, but I will have to punish you. If you don't put the toys away, I won't be able to read you a story. I will be very hurt, my voice will tremble, I will not be able to read to you. Children really do not want to offend their beloved Moms and Dads! Most likely, the child will find the strength to cope with a difficult task so that his father's voice does not tremble and the fairy tale is read.
Everything that has been said about dads and for dads is suitable for those situations if dad is present in the house. What if there is no dad? Who then plays the role of a policeman? Who then explains the rules to the child? What games to play if there is no dad?
The absence of a father in raising a child: how to raise a boy and a girl without a dad
Someone’s dad won’t breathe on his kids, and someone disappears on the third day, having learned about his wife’s pregnancy. The absence of a father in upbringing, unfortunately, is not a rare problem. This section of the article is primarily for those women who are unlucky, and dad is not in the house for one reason or another.
As a rule, dad is not in the house, because some dramatic situation has occurred, as a result of which mom is very offended by men. This insult – alas! – runs like a red thread throughout her life, and this reflects badly on the child.
The most important commandment that should be observed by all women who are raising a child without a father is this: no matter how the relationship with a man develops, no matter how resentment overflows, you have no right to take it out on your children.
In theory, everyone understands this. And practically no, no, and it will break out: “You are all in your dad! So clumsy!"
Immersed in her experiences, a woman forgets to think: what is it like for a child? How does he feel if his mother constantly throws out negativity about his father on his tiny head?
Or some other pattern of behavior. Mom or grandmother constantly repeats: “All men are goats!” With a child.
Is it okay that the child is a boy? That is a man. Consequently, the grandmother and mother include their own child in this category of animals. They say "all men".
And it's not just a figure of speech. This is behavior that leads, in particular, to the fact that mothers and grandmothers, offended by men, when raising boys without a father, raise them as girls. So that only he does not get into the goats! Better be a girl. Such a boy is not instilled with the necessary masculine skills, they do not form masculine independence in him. in some cases, mothers are so zealous, growing a girl out of a guy, that he even sits on the pot like a girl.
If the child is a girl, and she periodically listens to the maxim that all men are of a certain type, then this statement will not bring any benefit to the girl either. In such a family, when brought up without a father, the girl will grow up with the mindset that there are no good guys, and a complete leapfrog will begin in her personal life. The poor thing will spend her whole life choosing men who cannot make her happy. They are all useless!
Ideally, dad, even if he is distant, should be involved in education. But if this is not possible, if there is no dad at all, if the child is almost from the holy spirit, then a dad needs to be invented. No need to make up a story about a pilot who died in the line of military duty. It’s better to tell the truth: the relationship didn’t work out, but dad is somewhere, he’s good, he cares about you. You can send gifts to the baby on behalf of the dad. And this toy your dad sent you!
The child should have the feeling that the lady takes care of him, then he grows up as a self-confident person.
And so that the child does not have longing and so that he does not get you with a question, and when dad arrives, the baby must be surrounded on all sides by men. If there is a grandfather in the family who acts as a father, that's great. Then the grandfather is supposed to convey the rules to the child, keep order, demonstrate masculine behavior to both boys and girls. Boys will be taught by grandfather to fight, and girls will be admired and dressed up.
But the child must understand that this is a grandfather, not a dad. And call him grandfather. Still, the hierarchy must be observed, this helps the child put all the puzzles in his head correctly.
If you have uncles, that's great. Attract them too! The more men around the child, the better. Male friends, distant relatives, call everyone.
It is dangerous when mother and grandmother create their own closed little world, a kind of "girlish kingdom" in which there are no men at all.
Girls who grew up in “female families” face another problem: they are deprived of femininity, because it is dads who develop femininity in their daughters. It is on dads that girls learn to communicate with men and flirt. If from childhood she did not learn this skill, then in adulthood the girl does not know how to behave with representatives of the opposite sex. I have many such clients.
So, dear reader, if you have a daughter and there is no dad in the house, make sure that someone from your environment (relatives or friends) calls your girl a princess, gives her a pen and even braids her pigtails.
Involve men in raising your daughter. Help her become feminine.
If it is possible to involve dad at least sometimes in education, it is better to do it. Don't expect dad, who is within remote reach, to rush into the fray and take the initiative. Sometimes it takes a long time to persuade, beg, convince, but if there is even the slightest chance, find the strength in yourself, do it. No need to proudly stand in a pose, turn up your nose, and it is important to declare that you can handle it yourself. Handle a lot! But still, a woman cannot conceive without a man. Even remote insemination requires the participation of a man.
Women who raise their children without husbands, and sometimes with husbands too, often have to fight public opinion in the person of close and distant relatives, more often relatives who strive to say something unflattering about their fathers. Mother-in-law often sins with this. They are just waiting for the opportunity to put a hairpin: yes, yours is such and such, where were you when good men were handed out? You danced (read books, made a career), and good men were taken away from under your nose.
“Twisted” by grandmothers, that is, by their mothers, women break down on their men, if they exist, or on their children, and then stories about “leaky little hands” fly out of their mouths.
It is very difficult to resist public opinion, especially if there are objective prerequisites for not considering the father of your child to be ideal. Grandmothers know exactly where it's thin! They hit the bullseye. Grandmothers should be resisted in order to protect peace in their family. But resistance does not mean struggle or battle. It is useless to get involved in a discussion and claim that your man is a saint. He is not a saint, and you know it very well. But its shortcomings do not mean that it is necessary to spoil the life of your child.
These phrases help to stop unwanted discussion at the very beginning. In the end, you understand that your mother or grandmother wishes you well, but understands good in a different way than you want it. Don't start an argument, but hug your mom and say something nice to her. Compliment her pies or hairstyle. If you want to gossip about men, go. You know, it's better to go to a psychologist. A professional will listen to you and help you throw out the accumulated negative emotions.