When you dream of marriage to the love of your life, you probably don't imagine life in isolation. However, the reality is sometimes harsh: often long-distance relationships are unavoidable. It turns out that you are getting married / getting married, but you live in different cities (or even countries) for a long time. Whether you (or your spouse) are in the military, have jobs in different cities, or have family obligations that prevent you from communicating with each other, there are many reasons why this unfortunate position may be your only option.

Although such relationships can be unpleasant, difficult, and even completely lonely, remember: it is quite possible to successfully endure such a relationship. If both spouses show constant and strong love, and also trust each other, your family can handle anything. As we know, a little friendly advice never hurts, so consider the following counseling tips on how to keep a long-distance marriage strong, no matter the circumstances. A lot comes down to the way you think, including how you feel about marriage, and the plan to stay in touch and eventually reunite. So, first things first.

Stages of a long distance relationship

Having answered the question of whether there can be long-distance relationships, let's consider what stages they can be divided into. But here, too, not everything is unambiguous, in one case they can begin with an acquaintance, and in another, they can arise in already established relationships.

In psychology, there are 4 stages of relationships at a distance:

Love. Partners are covered with a state of euphoria, all thoughts are only about each other, life seems beautiful! At this stage, virtual communication exceeds all possible limits, messages and calls 24/7, lovers seem to read each other's thoughts.

But the main danger of a relationship of just such a format is that in most cases we fall in love not with a real person, but with an invented image created in the imagination. To avoid such a situation, you need to try to study personal qualities from different angles. Try to touch on topics not only of a romantic nature, but also of vital importance in communication, in order to understand how your partner will behave in a given situation, what goals and priorities he has.

Checking mutual expectations. The main feature of this stage is that it is here that the grinding of characters begins, the formation of a mental-emotional connection. Therefore, it is important to minimize the time of separation and organize real meetings. At the first face-to-face communication, a manifestation of emotional closeness is possible due to not recognizing each other, because a completely different image has been created in the head. Therefore, here the relationship will either end or move to a completely different qualitative level.

It happens that it is at this stage that a desire arises to legitimize the relationship, because the partners see each other through “rose-colored glasses", and a long separation saves from the manifestation of negative character traits in relation to each other. Such an idyll can last about a year, but after this time, internal conflict begins to grow.

Internal discontent, justified by the nature of the origin of the relationship. Partners lack physical contact, which leads to the accumulation of internal discontent, which eventually spills out through messages, calls, or even worse during rare meetings. Thus, instead of euphoria and pleasure, partners get quarrels and irritation from each other. The lack of physical intimacy deprives couples of the opportunity for emotional release, which causes internal problems to grow and the relationship to break down.

The impossibility of face-to-face communication leads to the fact that the value of a loved one begins to fade in the worldview of a partner, which inevitably provokes an understanding of the uselessness of these relationships. Plus, distrust and jealousy increase, and as a result, claims and reproaches appear that will not lead to anything good.

Crisis in long distance relationships. The appearance of this stage is inevitable, due to the very nature of these relations. On average, a crisis occurs after three years, and the result can be both a cooling of feelings and a transition to a new level of mutual understanding. The main thing to consider is that it is not the partner, not you, who is to blame for the conflict, but the specifics of the relationship. It is important to learn how to solve this problem together, to listen and hear each other.

So is it worth starting a virtual relationship at a distance, are they doomed to failure or have the right to exist?

Should you start a long distance relationship?

First of all, let me remind you that, as a rule, all romantic relationships are initially relationships at a distance (if you have concerns about this format, then perhaps this thought will cheer you up a little). Nowadays, no one starts dating with a wedding and living together (I don't take extreme cases into account), and the first meeting and initial communication increasingly takes place on the Internet, and not in the real world. The period of getting to know each other, associated with the search for common ground, the development of rules for interaction, the formulation of prohibitions, and falls on the very “travelling” format, when partners mostly meet either somewhere in public places or on the territory belonging to each of them or online.

In this sense, relationships remotely (at least in the initial phase), in essence, are not so different from the face-to-face format. Perhaps it is worth noting that when communicating at a distance, the effect of rose-colored glasses can be more pronounced – when we look at a partner not realistically, but prefer to rely on our own fantasies about him: at first, this effect is supported not only by hormones, but also by whether there is we have the opportunity to move into the field of real interaction or not.

Otherwise, long-distance relationships are just as capable of giving us a cocktail of very different, sometimes conflicting sensations and emotions, for which (not least) we are looking for a romantic partner: euphoria, delight, surprise, doubt, fear, rage, happiness.

But after a while, partners in whatever format they meet, the question invariably arises: what's next?

How can you get married at a distance?

Let's immediately answer the question: "How to officially register a marriage at a distance?" The answer will upset you: no way. Recording a civil status act in the registration book, issuing a marriage certificate and passports with stamps is carried out only in the personal presence of both spouses. However, do not be upset, because the application for painting can be submitted remotely. Moreover, newlyweds can apply separately, and this is regulated by law. This opportunity allows you to “get in line” in advance, three or more months before a certain date, and during this time the couple will be able to reunite and get married.

How to conclude a marriage at a distance, namely, to apply? If the bride and groom are citizens of the Russian Federation, are located on the territory of the country, but in different cities, they need to draw up separate statements according to the model and certify them with a notary. If one of the newlyweds is in places of deprivation of liberty, a certificate from the head of the place of detention or correctional institution will suffice. It is not necessary to certify the application if it is sent through a single portal of municipal and public services.

Registration of marriage in the registry office with a foreign citizen can also be performed remotely: through the public services portal or the MFC. To do this, a foreigner must provide a passport, a certificate stating that he is not married, or a certificate of divorce from a previous spouse. It is also necessary to take into account the legislation of another country: is the citizen suitable for age, does he need official permission to marry, etc.

An unexpected plus

A clear positive moment can be attributed to the development of relationships into a deep connection, when people begin to communicate at a distance. This conclusion was made by scientists at Cornell University.

The whole trick lies in the fact that "remote" couples with great desire share with each other the smallest details of their lives, and also begin to appreciate every minute spent together live. On the contrary, ordinary couples often neglect this moment.

sad times 2

Love that lives thousands of kilometers away is very exhausting for everyone in a couple. After all, sometimes you really want to feel the strong shoulder and hugs of your loved one, but he is very far away, and it is simply impossible to touch him. And, it would seem, the most comfortable and familiar world is slowly falling apart. And if there are quarrels at this moment, then it is much more difficult to worry. After all, in addition to omissions, a feeling of resentment against a person who is not around now wakes up. And the main enemy in this situation is the distance, which prevents competently finding a way out of the situation, listening to each other and resolving conflicts.

If we compare long-distance relationships with an ordinary romance, when the object of love is nearby, then maintaining them is much more difficult. Indeed, thanks to frequent meetings, joint pastime and face-to-face communication, relationships are strengthened and developed every day. But people who are in a long-distance relationship cannot afford such a luxury. But is it really all that sad?

How to save love – advice from a psychologist

What will help you:

The most important and at the same time banal advice of a psychologist to keep relationships at a distance is communication. Communicate and call up as often as possible, preferably every day. Nowadays, it has become very easy to keep in touch with loved ones even at long distances.

With the help of mobile Internet, you can chat online around the clock. Also, do not forget about such a convenient messenger as Skype and call more often in video call mode to see your loved one and hear his intonation during a conversation.

Take care of low-cost communication

It is best if you have the opportunity to contact each other at any time. Skype on a smartphone, tablet or other free messenger will come in handy. This will create the feeling that you are not at all separated by kilometers of distance.

Destructive properties of control

It is worth realizing that even in ordinary relationships, excessive control and compulsion to accountability affects negatively. And when you are separated by hundreds, thousands of kilometers, there is no place for distrust. This will build a barrier between you and cool your feelings. And why do you need a person you can't trust?

Swap each other's cute trinkets to remind you of your significant other. It would be ideal if these things retain your scent. This little trick carries a deep meaning. Remembering the smell of a loved one is necessary so that he remains close to us. See also: How to dissuade a person from suicide – the terrible truth

When the smell of a loved one is forgotten, it becomes a stranger to us. It seems like with your head and you understand that this is your beloved, but you no longer strive for him with your soul and body.

physical contact

Unfortunately, long-distance couples are completely unable to touch each other. But the desire for tactile sensations, like sexual attraction, does not go anywhere, various devices help to compensate for the lack of physical proximity.

touch

Fitness bracelets will help you physically feel the presence of another person. For example, with Mi Band, you can add each other as friends and send signals to them using the Nudge function.

You press the button in the Mi Fit app, the partner's bracelet starts to vibrate, and the heart icon lights up on the screen. The Apple Watch has a similar feature, through which you can send messages to each other with a heartbeat.

It is better to convey such “hello” unexpectedly: this is something like a spontaneous manifestation of love that cheers up.

If you want to buy a separate device for remote interaction, take a closer look at the twin lamps, with which you can wink in the evenings. Another option is synchronized rings that will convey the touch of a partner.

Sex

Sex shops sell special toys for couples. For example, the Lovense kit, which includes female and male devices that connect to each other using a computer or smartphone.

Partners can choose the synchronous mode, in which the toys follow each other's movements and change speed and power at the same time. You can also control the devices manually, in this case, one person, like on a DJ console, adjusts the rhythm, vibration strength, rotation speed for the partner’s toy.

If you can't find time for a synchronous meeting, you can save the session you like and use it at any time.

The app also has chat and video calling, but to feel calmer, it’s better to use more secure apps, for example, Telegram.

It is clear that a full-fledged sex life cannot be led remotely, but you need to support it in all possible ways. The main principle is not to be afraid to be frank and honest, and sometimes feel free to speak vulgarities.

At a distance, all words, phrases and intonations are even more significant than in real life. Be ready to experiment and show yourself, this is a very useful experience, it helped us to better discover and understand each other.

watch together

In their free time, almost all couples watch movies and series. Organizing a joint viewing remotely is also not a problem. Hug and hide with one blanket, unfortunately, will not work, but you can still achieve the effect of presence.

The easiest solution is to call on Skype and play the movie at the same time. It's easy, but inconvenient. It is almost impossible to start the video synchronously, and as you watch, the desynchronization will only increase due to the fact that you start to pause the movie to discuss the moment or move away for a while. The movie is on pause, discussing the moment

The guys are advised to watch movies in Syncplay. This is a desktop sharing program. You create a common room, run the same files on both computers, and the program synchronizes timing and pauses through the server.

The service has a built-in chat, messages pop up at the top of the screen, so you can comment on the movie as you go. By the way, about the comments. They still need a phone call. You can start a video call on smartphones or laptops to laugh together at funny moments and be afraid at scary ones.

To synchronously watch videos from YouTube, web services such as Gaze or Togethr TV are useful. They work on the same principle as Syncplay, only you don't need a file to run, but a link to the video.

Share your favorite tracks

In order to listen to music and share playlists together, it is better to get a family subscription. That will work out cheaper. The music service can be anything: Apple Music, Yandex.Music, YouTube Music.

Tips

It is easier to quarrel in long-distance relationships, because the true intonation is not always guessed behind a written message. Without seeing each other, it is easier to say hurtful things, although words hurt in the same way. Be especially careful about how you interpret your partner's words (he may mean something completely different from what you think) and what you say in anger.
Try to stay positive. Don't give up over a minor misunderstanding. It is likely that problems cannot be avoided, because you will not always be able to see the expression on the partner’s face and hear the tone of his voice. Be persistent and always build relationships. Always remember why you fell in love with your partner. Don't give too much importance to mistakes – we are all human.
All it takes is spending quality time with your partner. Perhaps due to the difference in time zones, you can only talk to each other at certain times. If so, make sure these conversations are really enjoyable.
Come up with a creative way to count down to your next date and share it with your loved one. For example, make a photo calendar on your computer and every day add a new picture to it and a few words about what you love and appreciate in a partner.
For those who are in school and in a long distance relationship, FaceTime can be a great solution, especially at night.
Do not try to sort things out in correspondence – this often leads to misunderstanding.
If you have to fly a lot to a partner, immediately join the airline's bonus program. Bonuses will accumulate in proportion to the distance traveled for each flight, and perhaps over time you will collect enough of them for one or two more flights.
Send your photos to your partner at every opportunity. Share spontaneous shots. This will please both of you.
Trust someone. If there is a friend or family member nearby, you will not feel lonely.
If you are going to your parents, then try to find fellow travelers. You can also chip in for gasoline, which will be to your advantage.