The definition of infidelity is unique not only for each couple, but also for the individual in it. This is often the problem: we do not set boundaries until we encounter misconduct, which, in turn, happens because there were no clear agreements on what is cheating and what is not.

So what counts as cheating? The answer is very simple: what you and your partner call it. Its definition often goes beyond sex: for example, you can be devastated and angry when you find out that a man has a colleague at work who he tells good news before you, and trusts personal secrets and experiences intended only for very close people..

Boundaries are different for each of us. Difficulties begin when partners have different standards of fidelity, but the rules are not negotiated until someone crosses the line. Often, the traditional interpretation of betrayal as sex only aggravates the situation – the deceiver appeals to the fact that there was no intimacy: “We just went to the movies with her, you attach too much importance to this!" As a result, the problem hangs in the air: if, according to one person, there was nothing, then there is nothing to understand either.

As family therapist Paul Hockmeyer explains, it's not uncommon for people to rationalize their questionable behavior by simply removing the label of cheating. Most often, such "understatement" occurs in cases of emotional infidelity. Everyone agrees that kissing or sexting is over the top. But what if a man spends time with his former classmate and, although the meetings are quite decent, hides the very fact of them from you? “The water gets muddy when a friendship or business relationship develops into an emotional intimacy,” Hockmayer says.

The therapist calls small actions that do not cross the line, but hurt people, microcheating. How to find out what has come to such a scam? According to Hockmeyer, a person should ask himself the question: would he do the same in the presence of a partner? If the answer is no, then this is an alarm signal. This means that such behavior can hurt or offend the “soulmate”. And it doesn't matter if we are talking about "dirty" dances or talking about intimate life.

Clinical psychologist Karla Marie Manley believes that microcheating often leads to physical infidelity. This happens when small gestures like Instagram likes hide romantic feelings that a person has for someone who is not his partner. The microcheating stage is a time when there is still a chance to reflect on your actions and change course before irreparable damage is done to the relationship. “This is a warning about a danger zone that is easy to leave,” says Manley.

Reasons for male infidelity:

Men constantly hide behind the words that they must change. In order to assert themselves, to leave as many offspring as possible, but they forget that many psychological factors are hidden in the background of their actions. So what is the reason for male infidelity, how to figure it out and prevent it?

Interest in another partner

Most often, a man's betrayal is rather banal, he wants to try something new. All friends have mistresses or simply brag about them, laughing at a friend. And then, he decides to try too, to become more confident in himself. Such meetings can be either one-time or permanent, it all depends on the type of man and who gets in his way. Sometimes interest drags on, turning into a strong bond, and even affects leaving the family.

How to prevent: Try to be interesting to your partner. If a man is happy and interested with you, then he is unlikely to commit adultery, even if his friends laugh. Why does he need other women when there is a mystery at home.

"I was drunk" 3

Another of the most popular reasons for cheating is to sleep while drunk. A corporate party, a large amount of alcohol consumed, a sudden desire to have sex and a colleague who agrees to everything… In most cases, such relationships end at this stage. But if they drag on and continue, this is a clear sign that the betrayal was not an accident. So the man and the woman had been looking at each other for some time.

Revenge, thrill, guilt

In fact, the problem is broad. A man can take revenge on a woman, his mother, circumstances in life, that everything turned out this way and not otherwise, and it is difficult to find the exact reason. He wants to consider himself a macho, more worthy, in demand, to prove that he is a male.

Solution: Find out what caused the betrayal and try to give him self-confidence. Prove that he is the best and suits you.

Lack of understanding

Women are emotional creatures. Even after many years of marriage, they still want affection and romance. If the beloved man does not give this, she can plunge headlong into a new relationship. At the same time, the idea of treason arises in the head far from the first problem that has arisen, it can take years.

Desire to feel macho

This point requires no explanation. A man is trying to assert himself and show that he is still worth a lot. It's just that the way to do it is not quite correct.

"So it is necessary according to the status"

Many powerful men have mistresses. There can be no talk of any feelings here.

Each new girl is a toy that he managed to buy.

Not satisfaction

Sexual factors also influence infidelity. If the husband is weak in bed and does not satisfy, then a woman with a good sexual appetite will look for a replacement. It all depends on whether the spouses find a compromise. Some allow a woman to walk, turning a blind eye to betrayal, because they love her, or this marriage is beneficial to them. Others go on principle and destroy relationships, getting a bunch of complexes that are untenable.

Solution to the problem: Try to find a way to satisfy a woman with various sex toys, diversify her sex life, try to make her sex life richer.

Marriage at an early age, or forced marriage

Often, marriages are registered not at all for love, but “for flight”, or for other reasons. The bride wants to leave home from soulless parents, start her own life, and some start sexual life too early, and men are simply forced to marry in order to recognize the child. Such a marriage does not last long, it is already initially ready for failure. Different mentality, upbringing, difficulties at a young age to find a compromise lead to betrayal, sometimes mutual. Sometimes a woman realizes that she made a mistake, and the partner is not the same at all, and begins to look for a replacement.

Solution to the problem: pay more attention to each other, find common ground, then there is a chance to save the marriage. Forgive betrayal, try to build relationships.

In the family, this is considered the norm.

There are families in which partners are kept together only by a stamp in the passport or by caring for children and unwillingness to change anything.

Both a man and a woman are constantly cheating on a friend. Moreover, each of them does not see anything wrong with this.

Understanding the causes of infidelity provides an answer to the question: “How to avoid it?”

Rule one: follow your emotions

A happy and contented person is much easier to be faithful. He does not need strange ways to increase self-esteem, he calmly accepts his partner’s shortcomings and does not fall into anger over trifles. You should monitor your condition and pay attention to depression.

As for the partner, it makes sense to regularly discuss with him not only the upcoming vacation or dinner menu, but also emotional experiences. This will help not only to notice the red flags that indicate danger in time, but also to establish a closer emotional connection, says Dr. Mitchell.

Rule Two: Set Boundaries

This is one of the most important problems: very often people simply do not understand at what point betrayal begins. Even with sex, everything is far from being so simple: often, for example, men insist that, until they are going to leave the family, their intrigues should be turned aside. Of course, such characters are very mediocre partners who simply take advantage of the absence of established rules. Nevertheless, each couple really has its own boundaries, because otherwise no open marriages would simply exist.

Family therapist Ashley Edelstein believes that an honest conversation with a partner should be held as soon as possible. It may seem uncomfortable or intimidating, but in order to avoid cheating, first of all, you should share your point of view on this issue and listen to the second person. “Start by checking yourself for what you define as infidelity and what you are okay with.” Edelstein advises. And after that, you can proceed to the dialogue, asking what the man considers cheating.

Rule Three: Learn to Communicate

Psychotherapist Stephen Ing believes that the ability to communicate is the most important skill required to maintain a relationship. It makes no sense to intimidate a partner: “If I see you with another, then I’ll leave!” It hasn't stopped anyone yet. A union requires an atmosphere of mutual trust and security.

Ing believes that there is nothing wrong with discussing attraction to other people: it is much better to admit that you like an actor, musician, or neighbor in the country, than to feel guilty because of this. It is better to discuss temptations – this will help you live your fantasies without turning them into reality.

Mitchell recommends being open about cheating. She advises discussing any topic: the main thing is to make sure that the conversation does not turn into a conflict. A great way to avoid this is to take time out and return to the conversation when the intensity of emotions has subsided. However, it is important that this is just a break, and not the end of the dialogue: it is impossible to hush up such issues using the “pause rule”.

Rule Four: Learn to Discuss Sex

Stephen Ing believes that a man who does not know how to discuss sex is a person with whom you definitely should not start a relationship. It does not matter how things are in your bed at the moment. Just because you're getting orgasms now doesn't mean things won't change.

Our tastes are transformed, libido is also not a constant. And therefore it is very important to talk about sex, starting from your needs and ending with a description of fantasies. And you should also remember: such conversations are not limited to voicing desires and the requirement to satisfy. You need the skill to work out a compromise that suits both of you.

Rule Five: Ask for Support

All expert advice looks simple at first glance, but it is not as easy to implement as it might seem. We have been told for years that sex is a taboo subject. No one taught us how to resolve conflicts without starting to quarrel. And even more so, people do not discuss betrayal before they happen: this is considered a manifestation of distrust and almost an insult. And it’s not so easy to talk about things that cause violent emotions, and at the same time look at what is happening calmly and assess the situation rationally.

That is why it is worth contacting specialists who can look at relationships from the outside, pull you out of the whirlwind of feelings and return you to the logical field. Do not be afraid to ask for help, because your union is a great enough value to invest in its preservation and money, and time, and effort. And if it seems to you that he is no longer worth it, then you still need support: it’s not so easy to survive betrayal alone.