Toxic mother: what to do?

The theme of fathers and children will always seem to be inexhaustible. But today we would like to talk not so much about fathers as about mothers. As a rule, mothers in the family are more toxic and conflict-prone (of course, there are exceptions). What to do if your mother is a toxic person and you have been at war with her for as long as you can remember?

Toxic mother: what to do?

Toxic mothers are very different. Someone tortured their child with hyper-custody to such an extent that even by the age of thirty he is terribly dependent, someone abused criticism and literally buried the adequate self-esteem of his child. Unfortunately, they bring us up in such a way that we literally absorb the fact that the mother is the closest person to us who wants only the best for us. It is easy to guess that this is not entirely true. There are cases, for example, of a mother’s jealousy of her daughter: envy of her beauty, female happiness, almost any quality. And far from always, mothers can advise the best way to solve a particular problem, if only because everyone has a different worldview, life experience too, all this can simply intersect with you.

Vulnerability to the actions of toxic mothers, among other things, can be explained by the fact that the person who raised you and saw you from birth to the present moment knows your weak points best of all and hits precisely there. And, if you understand that this is done quite deliberately, although it is covered with good intentions, then you need to distance yourself from such a person as much as possible.

But what to do if every meeting with your mother devastates you, and this person does not spare your feelings in the slightest for any reason?

First, the most optimal thing is to distance yourself from your mother, try to see her less often. You can choose the "geographical" method, that is, to disperse at least to different apartments. Some choose to go to a completely different city, just to have less contact. A minimum of contacts is probably the best solution. You can also selectively and dosed to give her information about yourself. This will already reduce the impact, especially in cases where you do not yet have the opportunity to change your place of residence. Adjust your lifestyle so that you have minimal contact with her.

Secondly, it is worth resorting to the boomerang method: write down all her phrases that mortally wound you and send them in the form of quotes with a cover letter. The situation can be complicated by the fact that not all mothers are aware that they hurt you with any words. And some are even able to deny what was said, which hurts their daughters even more.

There is an important point: you can feel the lack of a mother when you lose contact with her. No one can replace a real mother, but sometimes it is possible to find a “mentor-girlfriend", it is better if it is a friend or an older woman who is personally pleasant to you.

If a mother oversteps boundaries in a dialogue with you, you must stop her in time and fight back, explaining that her words will hurt you. Not every mother realizes that she can cause emotional pain to a child. Try to see her as just a woman, not a mother. Then her phrases will hurt less. Of course, it is better to work out this moment in psychotherapy: since the attitudes about the value in the life of a mother will not just leave you.

Should we burn bridges at all?

In some cases, yes. This is an extreme measure, but there are times when it is vital to part forever. If every time after talking with your mother you feel humiliated and devastated, it is better to exclude such meetings from your life for good: up to moving to another city or another country.

The main thing is not to feel regrets and guilt. If there are regrets and feelings of guilt, each time scroll through the phrases that hurt you when communicating with her and those actions after which you came to the decision to burn all the bridges. It is better, of course, to make sure that the break is not final, that it is only a pause in the relationship. This “counter zeroing” has a beneficial effect on relationships in the future.