Crisis in family relations after the birth of a child
And often the causes of conflicts for seemingly very insignificant reasons are fatigue, unwillingness to accept the partner’s point of view, lack of understanding of how to behave in a situation of expanding the family, which responsibilities to take on and which ones are better to shift to your partner. A lot of psychological research has been devoted to how relationships change after the birth of a child, and a general method has still not been developed. You can only offer basic guidelines on how to try to improve relations after the birth of a child, what steps to take towards each other so as not to provoke quarrels.
So, the birth of a child activates inner work, puts people in front of the need to make a choice, often a very responsible one. This article discusses why relationships deteriorate with the birth of a child and how to avoid conflicts in the family after its expansion.
How family relationships change after the birth of a child
When a person becomes a parent, he must determine what kind of parent he is. In our culture, there are many patterns of mother and father behavior and many ways of raising and treating a child’s health. There is no single answer to the question: what do you need to do to be a good parent to your child? And to determine how to act, a particular adult has to independently. This definition, of course, does not only occur at the time of the birth of the child, it grows out of all the experience and reflections of a person in the past, from his personal values. However, at the time of the birth of a child, in the first years of his life, at the crisis moments of his growing up, this process is most intensive, relations after the birth of a child undergo a serious transformation.
People are surrounded by a large number of models of parental behavior in relation to the soul and body of the child. There are different ways to have a baby: traditionally in a hospital, at home with a midwife, at home in the water, in the presence of a husband, with medication, to music, in the presence of invited friends (this can also be found). There are different ways to teach a child: teach reading and languages from birth, or wait for natural interest to manifest itself, at home, in educational institutions. There are different ways to maintain the health of a child: temper or, conversely, protect him from harsh weather conditions, treat him with medical or folk (or even alternative) means. There are different ways to raise a child: in strict discipline or in an atmosphere of concessions to his desires, with the help of persuasion or physical punishment. Important,
Psychology of relations between spouses after the birth of a child
A huge number of choices exacerbates the anxiety of parents. When a person is constantly faced with the choice to act one way or another, he is also in the grip of fear of making a mistake, making the wrong choice. In this respect, traditional cultures, with their clear prescriptions for a certain course of action for raising a child, are much more conducive to human peace. In such families, the psychology of relations after the birth of a child practically does not change:there is no need to think every time, look for an answer in books, decide something on important issues, all actions are prescribed, tested by tradition, have served the continuation of life for centuries and are well known to participants in culture. However, for modern people, there is no turning back and a return to the origins, “braces", to “how our ancestors lived” is not a way out and a solution. Because imitation of the life of ancestors (going to eco-villages, farming, refusing to consume) is also one of the options so that after the birth of a child, the relationship between husband and wife does not deteriorate. At the moment when a person is aware that there are other possibilities, he loses his peace and faces a choice: where will I go. Perhaps he is clearly confident in his choice, but it was, nevertheless, a choice, and not following an established tradition once and for all.
Each parent decides what kind of parent they are. And this is an area of internal conflict, a crisis in relationships after the birth of a child. The successful way to resolve this conflict is to take responsibility for your choices. Many people who come to see a psychologist are in fact poorly aware of their personal values, it is difficult for them to set guidelines in relation to their parental role. Mental and mental work can lead to the formation of personal preferences and the formation of a parental position, it is only important to understand that it must be done.
Interestingly, even when more than one child is born in the family, the zone of intrapersonal conflict is activated. It would seem that the choice has already been made, the parent has grown the firstborn to a certain age. Where does the anxiety come from, why do relationships deteriorate after the birth of a child?
There are many factors in this direction. Often the choice made with the first child is reviewed, the parent recognizes his style of behavior as wrong, wants to change it. And this is a new choice. Sometimes, on the contrary, the result obtained with the first child suits him, he seeks to reproduce his pedagogical experience. But the natural gifts of the second child and his location in the family make the old methods of the parent simply ineffective. This means that the relationship between husband and wife changes after the birth of a child, as they face the need to adapt to a new family member, to a different temperament.
The internal position in relation to each next child is always a personal work. A person used to be a parent of one child (two, three), and now he has one more child. And in this situation, he never existed. How will he relate to children’s jealousy, lack of time, conflicts of children? All this requires not only external adaptation, but also internal work, the formation of an attitude to the situation, work with negative emotions. The birth of a second (third, fourth) child always changes the relationship between husband and wife, actualizes the parents’ experiences related to their own childhood, especially if they had brothers and sisters.
Conflicts with own parents after the birth of a child
An acute problem in the family after the birth of a child, another area of tension usually becomes relations with one’s own parents.
It happens that a person’s own parents are no longer alive or they are territorially inaccessible, but the conflict still exists. This can happen at the intrapersonal level, the person, as it were, continues the mental dialogue with parental images. A person proves something, is offended, makes claims, yearns for lost love. Another option is that a person can continue the conflict that began in the relationship with his parents, with substitute people, for example, the spouse’s parents or similar characters, somewhat similar in role, status and age to his own parents. Thus, for this area of conflict to be activated, we do not have to be in close contact with our parents.
Of course, the conflict with parents can also exist permanently, in order to feel it, it is not at all necessary to have children. However, the birth of a child can exacerbate certain facets of this conflict.
Configurations of conflicts with parents are various. The area of relationships about grandchildren also causes a variety of feelings. For example, a person may see parents use the same cruel methods on their grandchildren that they used on him. And there is a revival of the old trauma, the person not only worries about the alleged harm that is caused to his child, but he himself is re-traumatized by these actions.
Those actions and qualities of parents that manifested themselves in relation to you, and which for various reasons traumatized you, can cause an aggravation of relations with them when a new person appears – your child.
There are other options when relations with the older generation have changed after the birth of a child: sometimes, for example, parents, on the contrary, having reconsidered their views, radically change the style of communication with children (with grandchildren). And it also often causes strong emotions in their own children. For example, a demanding mother turns into a soft grandmother, prone to pamper her grandchildren. And her daughter feels resentment and bitterness, remembering how she herself received. Or a father who communicated at a distance with his own children turns out to be a wonderful grandfather, around whom his grandchildren curl. It can also give his children not only joy, but also unfavorable comparisons with their own childhood.
Often the outcome of such problems after the birth of a child is numerous complaints from children against their parents, but this can hardly be called a healthy approach. Such an approach only closes a person in his psychological discomfort and indicates personal immaturity. When you, as an adult, demand from already elderly parents that they compensate for the harm that they have ever done to you, cancel the prohibitions given to you or change the prescriptions, you seem to be still in the same childish, dependent state. You give your parents an excessive, almost mystical power over you, giving up your own freedom to decide in your own way, to accept your own attitudes and beliefs, that is, to truly grow up. As if only those people (parents) who put a spell on your life have the power to remove it. Hope for such an outcome is usually destructive, parents do not have the opportunity to correct the harm that they have done to their children in the past. And only the person himself, having taken responsibility for his life, can overcome childhood traumas. The stronger the crisis in relations with the birth of a child becomes, the more a person gets stuck in accusations against parents, the less chance he has to get out of the power of the past. In fact, such a position locks a person in a problem, not giving him a chance for a successful outcome. The way out is to get rid of their childhood traumas in personal experience, and not in the accusations of parents. The stronger the crisis in relations with the birth of a child becomes, the more a person gets stuck in accusations against parents, the less chance he has to get out of the power of the past. In fact, such a position locks a person in a problem, not giving him a chance for a successful outcome. The way out is to get rid of their childhood traumas in personal experience, and not in the accusations of parents. The stronger the crisis in relations with the birth of a child becomes, the more a person gets stuck in accusations against parents, the less chance he has to get out of the power of the past. In fact, such a position locks a person in a problem, not giving him a chance for a successful outcome. The way out is to get rid of their childhood traumas in personal experience, and not in the accusations of parents.
Why did the relationship between husband and wife deteriorate after the birth of a child?
The next area of conflict after the birth of a child is marital problems between husband and wife. In this part, dialogue, expressing your wishes and clarifying your spouse’s preferences are absolutely necessary.
Many couples, trying to ensure a comfortable existence, automatically use two unpromising tactics, and then wonder why the relationship soured after the birth of a child.
The first tactic is to hush up conflicts of interest. This tactic is used by partners (or one of them) who are convinced that the worst thing that can happen in a family is quarrels and scandals. Screaming in their view is “terrible”, they swear only in bad families, and the discovery of their discontent will certainly lead to just such consequences. And they avoid them at all costs. In an effort to maintain peace in the family, not to hurt a partner, they try to bypass sharp corners, hush up problems. The price for such tactics can be very, very high: with the birth of a child, it turns out that not only the relationship between husband and wife deteriorated, but there was also complete alienation, a chronic feeling of dissatisfaction, a difficult emotional atmosphere in the family, and “sudden” outbursts of rage among partners.
Silencing conflict often has to do with "mind reading" and the desire to be understood without words. Indeed, a loving partner himself must understand and certainly knows how to make us happy. But for some reason it doesn’t. It means that he does not love and does not appreciate. And such a conclusion often becomes not a reason for a dialogue about needs, but, on the contrary, a reason for quarrels between a husband and wife after the birth of a child, an occasion for sad thoughts about one’s own fate, thoughts about parting with a partner.
By the way, children almost always catch the conflict of adults (often hidden conflict) and react to it with bad behavior. As highly sensitive beings and not yet cultured enough to keep a low profile, young children are an excellent indicator of family relationships.
However, the suppression of claims and discontent is used, of course, not in all families. Often spouses actively tell each other what they want and how their partner should behave. And then another tactic known to everyone is used, spoiling family relations after the birth of a child, namely, criticism of a partner.
Problems between husband and wife after the birth of a child: criticism in the family
Every person whose behavior someone wanted to change knows what criticism is. This is perhaps the most common type of communication between people, worsening family relationships after the birth of a child. Criticism is a kind of aggression, verbal aggression, a means of controlling the behavior of others.
Spouses often criticize the messages that they would like to convey to the second half. Like any aggression, criticism causes anxiety, sometimes fear, a feeling of irritation and a desire to defend oneself. And all these experiences do not lead to mutual understanding of the spouses, but, on the contrary, alienate them.
Behind critical statements one can often find a person’s sincere feelings about himself, which he does not dare to express or even does not recognize. It is easier to criticize a partner than to reveal your deepest feelings. When you criticize, you are in a strong position, attacking, and the partner is forced to defend himself. And if you reveal your difficult and very personal experiences, you, on the contrary, show your helplessness, vulnerability. A lot of pain is often hidden behind the criticism and attacks of spouses.
Below is a table that clearly shows what the partner says and what he really thinks:
| WHAT IS IT SAYING | WHAT IT REALLY MEANS |
| You are inattentive, do not listen to me, do not remember my plans. | I feel lonely, “an empty place”, I’m afraid that you don’t need me. |
| You constantly make remarks to me, do not let me say a word, criticize in front of children, talk disrespectfully. | I feel like a nonentity, I am afraid that my opinion is devoid of authority, they do not put me in anything, perhaps I am like that. |
| You don’t call when you’re late, irresponsible. | I’m afraid that I’m not important to you, I’m afraid of losing you. |
| You do not spend time with children, it will be bad for their character. | You don’t need me and my children. |
| You spend too much time with your friends. | I’m afraid that you will leave me. I’m scared that I’m not interesting enough for you. |
| You scatter everything, you don’t put things in their place. | I’m scared when I lose control of the world, home is the least I can control. |
| You don’t look like that, you don’t dress like that, you don’t socialize. | I’m angry because my chosen one is not good enough. |
Criticism, with rare exceptions, is the most destructive form of cooperation in marriage, worsening the relationship of spouses after the birth of a child.
How to improve relations between husband and wife after the birth of a child: advice from psychologists
There is a technique of safe negotiations with a partner. By following this technique, your negotiations will not turn into a quarrel and will not end in alienation.
The following are advice from psychologists on building relationships after the birth of a child.
When you are going to discuss important issues with your partner/spouse, use:
I-statements
- "I’m offended when I see…"
- "I get angry if I have to…"
- “I-statements”, or statements about your experiences, are the most environmentally friendly form of expressing your emotions, which does not offend your partner and does not cause a defensive reaction in him.
Using this form, you will be able to improve relations with your husband (wife) after the birth of a child, convey your feelings to your partner without turning to accusations. It is important not to attach the very accusations that you want to avoid to self-statements.
Good I-statement: "I’m sad if you’re away for the weekend."
Spoiled "I-statement": "I’m sad when you’re away on the weekend, you could never be with us because of your selfishness."
Listening to a partner and clarifying
- “If I understand you correctly, then this is for you…”
- "I didn’t quite understand what you were trying to say here."
We often do not want to truly listen and understand a partner, because we are sure that we already know perfectly well what he will say. If you watch the usual dialogue between two people, you can notice a curious detail. One of the interlocutors speaks, and the second one really listens for the first few seconds (usually a fraction of seconds), but then begins to speak in parallel. He is still supposed to listen to the end, somehow internally react to the partner’s words, but he has changed his position, internally he is no longer attuned to perception, he is only looking for a pause in speech in order to wedged in. In this state, listening is unproductive and contact is almost impossible.
To keep the relationship after the birth of the child as it was before, do not rush to express your point of view, listen to the partner’s words, clarify your understanding with the help of the above formulations.
What to do if the relationship between husband and wife has changed after the birth of a child
Effective advice from psychologists on improving relations between husband and wife after the birth of a child includes recognition of the merits of a partner, a clear expression of one’s wishes, the formulation of the problem “outside the interlocutor” and attention to the emotional state of the partner.
Recognition of merit
In the heat of a dispute, we have no time to recognize the merits of a partner. In addition, a dispute is, in essence, a duel, verbal, but a duel. And this fact sets the speakers hostile, hinders peaceful steps.
To avoid a fight after the baby is born and to make the other person want to cooperate with you, acknowledge their positive contributions whenever possible:
"You have a lot to learn in this case."
Expressing your wishes
“I would be comfortable if it was like this.”
Formulation of the problem "outside the interlocutor"
On a fundamental level, people’s values and objectives are very similar. It is important to formulate exactly the level of the problem that will unite you with your partner, instead of getting stuck in trifles.
If the relationship has deteriorated since having a baby, use a problem statement that emphasizes your overall goals:
"We have a task with you – to find a solution that would suit both."
- Attention to the emotional state of the partner
Notice the mood of the interlocutor to better understand him. By closely monitoring the change in your partner’s emotional state, you will receive many times more information than if you only listened to him.
How to avoid quarrels between husband and wife if relations deteriorated after the birth of a child
Partner Criticism
"You do not listen to me, you are not attentive."
Criticism in most cases does not help solve problems, inflicting mortal wounds on relationships. It is no coincidence that John Gottman, a well-known family therapist, calls criticism the first of the four horsemen of the family Apocalypse.
A kind of criticism can be considered a mention of the personal flaws of a partner.
“With your irresponsibility/temper…”
“Even though you, like your mother, never stop pushing people.”
Mentions about the unsolvability of the problem
The negotiation process in the family is always negatively affected by references to the fact that the prospects for solving the problem are sad and known in advance. To avoid fights after the baby is born, avoid pessimistic statements like:
"It’s useless to talk to you!"
“I know that everything will remain the same…”
Also, do not make it clear to the partner that you already know his arguments:
"I know, I’ve heard it a hundred times already…"
“I can already repeat what you say to me.”
Sarcastic and derogatory remarks
The humiliation of a partner, as a rule, aims to rehabilitate the speaker, to support his own sense of significance, often speaks of the pain he experiences. However, to maintain their status, this is the most destructive way, always leading to an increase in aggression. Avoid derogatory remarks:
“Well, you are our boss!”
“Well, since your mother said!”
“Well, our mother knows everything best of all!”
Mentions of past conflicts and missteps of a partner
Many people admit that the most unpleasant moment in a conversation with a spouse for them is a reference to past conflicts. It is impossible to fix anything in the past, but the constant return to past quarrels, resentments and oversights of partners is often the decisive argument in a dispute. This is a dead end method, completely unpromising for solving problems. It is advisable to restrain yourself from impulses in an emotionally tense situation to move on to “heavy artillery”, which will only alienate your partner from you:
“And three years ago you left us altogether, that was your way of solving problems!”
“After your mom lived here for half a year…” “Last time, you refused to say anything about it at all.”
How to maintain a relationship between a man and a woman after the birth of a child
Often, romantic relationships between a man and a woman come to naught after the birth of a child. Becoming parents and solving many economic problems, the spouses begin to perceive each other as partners in solving household problems, and not as lovers. This is to a large extent the cause of the so-called conjugal cooling. The number of household contacts of spouses is many times greater than the number of romantic and love contacts. This affects their perception of each other. Therefore, partners of spouses on the side can have such attractiveness: on the contrary, there are no economic contacts with these partners, and love and romantic contacts are in the lead. And a traditional situation develops: on the side a person experiences “feelings”, and in the family he is held by “duty”.
In order to delay such a situation, perhaps to prevent it, you need to deliberately invest in a romantic relationship in a couple. There is evidence that couples who deliberately focus on the romantic and sexual side of their relationship after having a baby, rather than justifying the distance with fatigue and worries, generally feel more satisfied with their family life.
It is important to keep the channel of love, sexual affection in a couple open, not getting stuck in parental roles, when partners are only “mom” and “dad”. Keeping a special intimate space in a couple helps to smooth out sharp corners and achieve agreement in different areas. If the source of romantic experiences dries up, then it becomes much more difficult to maintain balance. A romantic emotional connection with a partner is prone to fading, if you do not make special efforts to maintain it, it is unproductive to expect that emotions in a couple will flourish without your participation, by themselves.
Here, not only creativity, sensitivity of partners, their desire to strengthen relations, but also the boundaries of their personal space become important. Among other things, this state of affairs interferes with the establishment of relations between spouses, does not leave them personal space.